Happy 1st Mother's Day

Our little family.
My Mother's Day present - a new car! I absolutely love it!

Self portrait of me & my baby boy!

I received a handmade Mother’s Day card from one of my dearest friends yesterday. It read “Happy 1st Mother’s Day.” I understand completely the thought & spirit with which this card was intended. I was thrilled to get a card from anyone other than immediate family. But the sentiment did give me pause. Because this is not my 1st Mother’s Day. In fact, this is my 3rd Mother’s Day. You see, my first child, my daughter Carsyn, was born Dec. 13, 2006. She died 2 days later, and my life changed forever. On my 1st Mother’s Day, I visited Carsyn’s grave. I left flowers for her & wondered what she would be like now & how big she would be & if she would be holding her head up & if she would still have that almost black hair & dark olive skin she was born with. But mostly I wondered “WHY, WHY, WHY, Why isn’t she here with me!?! Why can’t I hold her in my arms?”

By my 2nd Mother’s Day, I was 6 months pregnant with Camden. I was joyous about his impending arrival, but also fearful. After genetic testing and dozens of ultrasounds, we knew he was healthy, but that did not allay my fears. Once you’ve experienced the death of a child, there is no assurance strong enough until that baby is in your arms. It was right around that time, that 2nd Mother’s Day, that I finally received an answer to my questions of “why?” Of course, no answer will ever be good enough, but this one at least gave me a sense of peace. Brad & I had always agreed that we only wanted one child. I desperately wanted a girl and was thrilled beyond belief when we found out Carsyn was a girl. We never had any plans for any other children. So if Carsyn hadn’t died, I honestly believe that we never would have had Camden. Now I can’t imagine life without Camden. So yes, in the most important way, this is my 1st Mother’s day. It’s my 1st Mother’s day with a living child, my sweet precious Camden.